Amor de un Mama

I never really understood when a mothers say that the hardest thing is to stand back and watch helplessly as thier child goes through a rough patch, till now. I have always been the type to put others before me, thats how I am. I always tried to grow up quicker than I was suppose to, wanting to be the "wise" one, the one that always knew what to do, the one always shelling out advice. Now that the time has come, I now get the pleasure to stand back and watch my mom helplessly. AND IT SUCKS!!!!!! I wish I can wipe all the stress away, this is my mom here, the fearless, independent women who didnt take bs from anyone. My hero, who now needs to be saved. I know everyone is going through rough times, and it sucks. I feel so helpless, I try, I try so hard not to ask much of her, and I know this bugs her so. But its ok mom, I'll be the Supergirl now. Because even though Im the baby, I'll grow up like I should have and take responsibilty like Im suppose to.

aHhhh

Man Im sooooo angry. Ok so today I decided that I am turning the car in and no longer helping my dad make the car payments. I feel relieved, I do, but im mad because he still expects me to give him money when I already told I have none. And I know that when I need him to help me with tuition he wont. And it sucks for reasons beyond my control, I cant run to anyone. So if you know anybody that is willing to give me 50, 000 dollars, no strings, i would be ETERNALLY grateful. HAH! i know that won happen but a girl can dream right?

A New Day

WOW! Today history was made. U.S overwhelmingly voted a black man to be our 44th president. And Today he was sworn in. As I watched the day unfold, I never took a moment to take in what this moment in history really meant. Who would have thought that a black man would be our new president. Who would have thought that a female would have even tried to RUN?!?!?! I think that this is clearly a new day in history. A new day that marks a journey that will take us through an emotional roller coaster, its not going to be easy, even Obama said so, but with this historic change, god knows what else will come to us. America truly the land of the beautiful.

Ugh!

Its HOT, and Im sittin at home BORED. And comes to find out I have Bronchitis, which sucks cuz all I do is hack, and choke, and spit up nasty shit. (you probaly didnt need to know that) but ANYWHO, so Im on a quest to listen to some really underground, retro, indie/alternative music that can get me dancing. Im kinda getting tired of the same ol stuff. So I started listening to Ladytron, Ladyhawke which is cool, but I need something that is gonna challenge me. So got any tips? let me know. And if you have a copy of HOUSE-O-HOLICS Vol.2 let me know, I love that shit. but its hard to find.

Dreaming

So I know its been awhile, I actually been sick. NOT AGAIN!!!! Well I guess its my fault for not finishing my meds. But anyways, yesterday I had a beautiful time, Me and the Loved one we took off to Temecula with his Brother and Niece, Maya. She is soooo freaking cute, I taught her to say "peace" with her fingers, ahhh she has grown up so much since I seen her. She just talks and babbles, its sooooo cute. I LOVE HER!!!!!!! hahaha
Well last night I had a dream about my abuelita, which was nice since she hasn't come to see me in awhile, but the dream I had about her wasnt so nice. We had gotten into an arguement about something, and she started to ignore me. So as mad as I was, I went to confront her telling her that she couldnt ignore me for long, that she has to talk to me, that it was her fault that we had grown so distant, is she made an attempt to accept me and give me the love and affection that I have longed for, this would not be an issue. When I woke up, I felt a pain in my heart that aches with guilt, nearly 4 years later my guilt, my lack of being the grandaughter she deserved, still hurts me.Why didnt I feel this way with my other grandma? Yes, perhaps its b/c I know she lived in another state, but even though we complained about having to see her, I loved her as crazy as she is I loved her. My grandma was very misunderstood, I understood her a little but I think it's because our LOVE of BIG gaudy jewelry. When will I let this guilt go? Hoagies always told me its the fact that I spent those lost few months with her that mattered, that even if she wasnt aware, she knew I was there.

Whew!

What an exhausting day!!!! Just came back from my BF's sisters house, we baked some cookies, which I ate too much of. And I am barely getting home. So I will make this short, Saw my Pops today, our monthly visits which Im grateful for bc at least I know i HAVE to see him. But man oh man has he aged!!!!!! hahaha. no really, I think life is catching up to him, or I am finally seeing him more often to notice the changes? well thats it today off to bed I go, and ugh I gotta work this weekend=SUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agh! At least now I can focus on 1 class, I'm kinda sad I dropped my service learning class since it was pretty interesting, but complete 5-6 hours A DAY!?!?! yea I don't have that kind of time, plus they had all these restrictions. so NO BUENO.
on another note, Today I started thinking, how much I have changed. Before i was very carefree, never worried about anything, laughed a lot, and believed in so many things. but for some reason, something has taken that innocence away from me and I don't know what that is. Or is it that I haven't really changed just grew up and realized things about the world? Whatever the reason may be, I miss the old me. I know that we should look onto the past, just focus on the future, but I really miss the old me. I think about the times before I met my hunny, and I yearn to be that person again. Does love really change a person that much to the point that they don't recognize themselves anymore?

rAwR

2nd day of class and I am already falling ASLEEP!!!!! hahHAA. yea well not really interesting.and I think I might have miss my 2nd class=not good.
So I decided that I needed to see my mom, and make some dinner for her. I had a lot on my mind and my mom always knows what to do. I feel better now and a little relieved. Im still some what upset but whatever!!
The boy came down and I enjoyed some "us" time.
Its quite wierd being alone in my room, without the roomie.( sad face) so I have to find ways to entertain myself. LOSER.... hahahaha just 5 more months till summer.... sigh

Welcome

So I decided that it is a good idea to start blogging.
I have lots of stuff flowing through my brain and I need a way to let it out.
I will try REALLY hard to keep this updated as much as possible.
Enjoy reading my thoughts!!!!!