Dreaming

So I know its been awhile, I actually been sick. NOT AGAIN!!!! Well I guess its my fault for not finishing my meds. But anyways, yesterday I had a beautiful time, Me and the Loved one we took off to Temecula with his Brother and Niece, Maya. She is soooo freaking cute, I taught her to say "peace" with her fingers, ahhh she has grown up so much since I seen her. She just talks and babbles, its sooooo cute. I LOVE HER!!!!!!! hahaha
Well last night I had a dream about my abuelita, which was nice since she hasn't come to see me in awhile, but the dream I had about her wasnt so nice. We had gotten into an arguement about something, and she started to ignore me. So as mad as I was, I went to confront her telling her that she couldnt ignore me for long, that she has to talk to me, that it was her fault that we had grown so distant, is she made an attempt to accept me and give me the love and affection that I have longed for, this would not be an issue. When I woke up, I felt a pain in my heart that aches with guilt, nearly 4 years later my guilt, my lack of being the grandaughter she deserved, still hurts me.Why didnt I feel this way with my other grandma? Yes, perhaps its b/c I know she lived in another state, but even though we complained about having to see her, I loved her as crazy as she is I loved her. My grandma was very misunderstood, I understood her a little but I think it's because our LOVE of BIG gaudy jewelry. When will I let this guilt go? Hoagies always told me its the fact that I spent those lost few months with her that mattered, that even if she wasnt aware, she knew I was there.